And though the nightmares should be over, some of the terrors are still intact. I’ll hear that ugly, coarse and violent voice, and then he grabs me from behind and he pulls me back.

When you’ve been controlled and abused by another person, their voice becomes your inner monologue. They don’t need to lay on the same degree of criticism and gaslighting, because you reach a point when you do it to yourself. So great is the scope of their control that you’re apologising before they’ve even decided where your failing lies this time.

If you’re lucky enough to escape, in time that voice quietens. I haven’t managed to silence it. Yet.

Since finding myself with someone new, that voice I thought I’d left well behind me is suddenly louder than ever. All those barbs he lodged are well and truly pulling, and they hurt like hell. I’m second guessing, third guessing; overcome with dread and treading on eggshells all over again. Only this time it’s different. I’m laying these eggshells for myself. I’m setting the traps and falling straight into them. And it’s galling that I’m doing this, and that I haven’t recovered quite as well as I thought I had.

I’m sad about it, and I’m mad about it. But neither of those emotions is really going to help me get through it. I’m disappointed. Disappointed in myself for allowing the barbs to lodge so deep, and disappointed in myself for not having removed them all yet. But as with all things, I need to forgive myself. I didn’t chose what he did to me. He was insidious. He’d been far too effective before I realised what was going on. By which point, of course, it was too late.

So one by one, I’ll remove the barbs. And slowly I’ll start moving on. And away. Distance does not necessarily equal a reduction in magnitude (though the epic Steinman / Meatloaf combination put it far better than I ever could).

For now, I’ll keep talking. I’ll hear his voice and know that it won’t resonate forever. I’ll rest calm in the knowledge that the nightmares are helping me work through this. And I’ll keep reminding myself that these objects really are in my rear view mirror, despite how close they may appear.